Starting this blog I had a goal to find my perfect gentleman, the one I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. In a slight way I was more optimistic back then. Having started working for a catering company I have found myself at many weddings, and one thing I love to do to pass the time is to ‘jude’ the bride and groom. Not on their appearance, the dress, their general being, but on their relationship. How they interact and appear to the outside world. Well to me. 

Sad news is, in the dozen or so weddings I have done I have seen one couple which I thought where in love. They looked like they where meant to be, the others well it was either a relationship that seemed more like a business relationship or one partner seemed happier than the other and if you ask me if you have to have 5 or more double vodka red bulls just to get down the isle, then perhaps this isle is not where you should be.

Consequently my view of life has changed. I get lonely when I drink. Sad I know. It is true, and frankly I think I need to be more true to myself. The other night, I came back to my university home and although I was very tired I felt the need to wax. Therefore I took a shot or two of my spirits and got to work. Low and behold I found my head a little fuzzy. Guess where my fuzzy mind took me. Thats right. To German friend. 

Snatching my technological device I typed his name in on Facebook. We still weren’t friends. (he previously deleted me when I rejected him) being suddenly confident I clicked add as friend. 

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Time passed and no acceptance. 

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Thats when I pulled out snapchat, I took a selfie send it over with his name in the writing. 

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He did not reply that evening. 

He did not reply until the next morning. Perhaps that was the best thing that could of been done. Because with the alcoholic mind I had I would of jumped onto him. The next morning would of been a reject. That was not fair to him.

Silly thing is, I know he is not right for me. But I keep trying so hard to like him because he is the good guy. He would treat me right. But I don’t. Something is holding me back. I can’t even explain what it is. 

I vowed to never drink alcohol in front of him until I can sort my mind out. It wouldn’t be fair. Plus its healthier for me. Two birds one stone. I do now realise I do not wish for a boyfriend though. Every couple I know has so many issues and the only thing they really get from one another is guaranteed sex. Well I guess it is not always guaranteed. 

Truthfully I think I was seeking someone, because I get lonely. I wanted someone I could do nothing with. I mean I have plenty of people to do something with. I wanted someone who I could muck about with, without becoming a ‘slut’ as I would do if I did it whilst being single. I wanted to stop searching as I hated the hunt. But now I don’t. 

My eyes aren’t closed don t get me wrong. But I am not hunting. I will not go round to any guys house to watch a movie (because lets be honest everyone knows what that means). I will only consider a guy, if i get treated correctly. I won’t even think about putting out like I previously did. I don’t believe in sex before marriage and that is something I will stand strong too. My parents proved something huge to me…

 

My dad unfortunately cheated on my mum when I was younger. They thought my brother and I did not know, but we thought they’d get a divorce. I watched for six years as they did not share any love, but stayed together for what I think is us (my brother and I). Then one day I think two years ago I saw them kiss for the first time, hold hands for the first time and now they even run together for the first time in what seems my whole life. I have witnessed two religious people keep their wedding vows and find that love that they once felt on their wedding day. Even though it took them 6 years. Even though it was probably painful and hard. It took time for the trust to be rebuilt. But it was. They stuck it out and now I know what marriage means to me. It truly means ’till death do we part’. I will always be grateful for them showing me that time is a healer and you have to wait.