The first date following the break up

So after 3 years we have finally ended forever. 

He face-timed me 30 minutes before my work shift, to say ‘I do not think this is working” and there I was crying like a baby. My eyes getting puffier by the second. Which became an awkward event at work.

I know it is for the best, it has been a toxic yet intensely amazing relationship. I think I am to love him till the day I die. But I do know now that we are not meant to be together.

So whats next? I asked myself.

 

ONLINE DATING

His name was Marcio, he was half Portuguese and half African . Covered in tattoos. A under lip piercing and a nose ring. He studied 3 days a week and worked 40 hours a week. Had 2 sisters and 4 brothers. He was quiet and mysterious and quite refreshing.

By the time I drove home he has made me a home video of my name as a tattoo and told me there was no romantic potential. I agreed with him, but it was like a second dumping in a week. Surprising I was not as hurt as I could of been.

So what did I do that evening?

I wrote a 4 oage hand written letter to my ex. To thank him for the pat 3 years. To let him know I agree with his decision the end it. To tell him I will love him forever but this is my time to look after and take care of me. I ended by saying that maybe once the emotions settle and we have moved on we can turn our romantic love into a platonic one and become friends.  I am going to miss that man.

COME ON SELF MOTIVATION AND POSITIVITY

 

Black Outs and Mistakes

One black eye, a bruised chin, pevlis, ribs and legs and no memory of the night before.

 

Lets start by saying it was my birthday meal, all my closest friends came to celebrate and I somehow ended up royally ‘twated’. I have no recollection of my actions but all my friends say i was brilliant and up for a laugh and happy. Until I wasnot. Apparently something triggered me.

 

From what I can piece together about my actions, I think it was the fact my boyfriends friend. The one who always attempts to break us up, asked him on a holiday. He declined and then she got her parents to offer to pay for the whole trip so he could go. I am sorry but how desperate is she, for a man that does not want her back?

 

Anyways, my boyfriends friends. All of which I know quite well. Where gathering to meet a lads new misses, but his old f*** buddy was this said friend. In my drunken state, I have been told I warned his new misses about the antics of their past, and may have let her know how much trouble I was in with her in my life. The struggle of keeping my relaitonship working, when his friend would always whisper in his ear how he should break up with me.

 

Either way whatever the reasons are for my actions. I do not remember them and I am sick to my stomach about them. I am not a millicous person, I do not normally stir the pot. Yet there I was, on my night making myself look like the bad guy. Frankly I was on that occasion. So here I am today was 10 or more people who now truly dislike me. Lost a few good friends and though my boyfriend forgave me yesterday. He has spend the day around his friends today. So who knows if he will still forgive me by this evening.
I feel sick. I feel mean. I feel so bad. If anyone has any advise on what I need to do. Please please help.

The unexpected kiss

He lived across the road from me for most my childhood.

He was my brothers friend.

He was what one would describe as a ‘naughty’ child.

He has a daughter, with a woman who tried to trap him into the relationship.

I did not expect to like him.

 

Out of the blue, my phone went off. A message from this man. Asking me how I am. What I am up to these days, and as the conversation progresses he asks if I would like to meet on a Friday evening to catch up. I go with the purest of intentions. Two old friends catching up.

The whole evening he spoke out his failed relationship, how he dated two girls at once and it blow up in his face and now he is single. Yet one of the females still sleeps round as his from time to time but they do not have sex. Yeh am I an idiot? Of course they do.

The only time my ex got brought up was when he asked me when we did break up. So I guess I never told him I was still sleeping with mine.

Having to cut this night off short at the end, I went to hug him goodbye. One to0 many gin and tonics lead to a kiss. For the first time in 2 and a bit years, I did not regret kissing another man. I actually enjoyed it. I wanted to do it some more. I shocked myself.

Perhaps he is what I need to move on. He is selfish, a player, a lad. Not worth me really. But then I do not think I want a real relationship again.  My ex broke me. I am still broken. Trying to walk away who pulls you in every time you move on. Trying to reconcile a relationship leads to him pulling away.

 

We were FUCKED. Never a future. Never REAL. Done.

The difference between Romance and Pushy…

I met him, the OkCupid internet date. The one who had been messaging me since November. The one at times I found to be border line pushy, and too much. However it is clear that some find this behavior romantic. A man who takes charge, goes after what he wants and won’t take no for an answer.

So I ask the clear question to you. Do you know the difference between a pushy man and a romantic one?

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Could I of embarrassed myself any more? Opening line to this new man

Have you hurt yourself? You have a limp.

Turns out that limp was his walk, or should I say ‘swag’ and my goodness did he look ridiculous walking with both knees bent at 45 degrees, his jeans round his ankles and a cap on. I am all for individual style. But I need to date a man, I would not be embarrassed to take home. So whoops. First impressions. Horrendous.

Then he opened his mouth and spoke. He has the most beautiful voice, he was well spoken and intelligent. I began to wonder if I had the energy to change his style and his walk to make him a man I could be proud of. But honestly, having just given up on my previous relationship. I do not have the energy to spend modeling a man. I would rather find one, I like instantly without wanting him to become someone he is not.

The date felt like an interview, questions about family, growing up, ambitions… I am sure you know the drill. At the end of the date I felt like I still did not know him, and it would of been nice to do something spontaneous and fun. Not just a dinner date. I wanted to see how he would react falling over ice skating or if he would run to feel the temperature of the ocean. I wanted to see a spark and a man with a personality.

He dropped me off at home in his car. (Well round the corner, did not want him knowing where I lived at this point). I lent over to give him a hug, and he trapped my arm and moved as though to kiss me. NOWAY. I snatched my hand (relatively subtly) and walked the opposite way to my house, to ensure he really had no clue where I lived.

Then the messages flooded in ‘What did you think?’ ‘Did you like me?’ and it was too much. For me.

He asked to meet again, but seemed to turn when I said I was busy for a week. (see belows screen shot)

 

My answer for the question above… Is that behavior is only romantic when you have a true interest in the person. If you do not, then it feels pushy and wrong.

Leave in the comments your answer.

OkCupid, Let’s meet….

Nervous? Definitely.

…

In today’s modern society, a lot of dating occurs on the internet. Which I have found is, a little distasteful. Men will make comments about how you look, expecting you to respond favorably. Questions get personal very fast, because, well let’s face it. They are hiding  behind their computer screens.

Then why am I sat, ready to be picked up my an internet stranger for a lunch meal. I feel very uneasy about it as it is, and writing it down makes it sound even worse. Perhaps picking a closer location which I could walk to would of been a safer option. Truth is, I do not want anyone at my small university to see me. Especially my ex or his friends.

Though we have ended on good terms, if you have been following my blog. You will see how we have a very on and off relationship. I start to move on from him, or distance myself. He pulls me in, makes me fall in love with him and just as I am falling he pulls away leaving me broken hearted.

This time we are over. For good. I believe.

In order to try and make that first sentence of my last paragraph true. I have arranged a date. A man, I have been speaking to since November from an online dating app. We once arranged to meet before. But I got to nervous and cancelled. This time instead of an evening with drinks. I opted for a lunch. In a public place with lots of people around. I hope it goes well or at the very least I get home safely this afternoon.

Wish me luck.

What I learnt from an on and off relationship

After being in an on and off relationship for 2 years, where the man broke up with me 3 times, but wanted me back within a week every-time. I have learnt some important life lessons.

1. You need to be selfish. Don’t get me wrong this is hard, especially if you love someone unconditionally. But every-time I gave him my entire world. He would back off. Every-time I became the cold heart bi**h he would come crawling back to me.

2. You need to respect your friends and family. I know that they will always be there for me, but they have let me cry into their shoulders and been a listening ear so much for me over the past 2 years. To see me take back that very same man that continuously broke me. It is not fair on them or me, so you have to set yourself boundaries. A. Walk away from him. B. Dont drag them into every little detail of your relationship.

4. You have to say no. When he invites you round for a film, or dinner, or (insert invitation), you cannot be available every time. Even if you are. When you always say yes, they take you for granted and start to think you have no life outside of them.

5. Do not be guilt tripped. So my ex is a man of mass manipulation. If there was an argument I would always be the person to apologise, because he always twisted the truth to make sure he came out on top.

6. Do not lie to protect him. I loved my ex so much, that even after break ups I would defend his behavior and tell a little white lie to make him to hero or at least not a villian. But the truth is, those lies only hurt me. I would believe what I was saying, paint him to be the perfect man. Then I took off those glasses and the truth hit me like a tonne of bricks. He was not the man I had made him out to be. By seeing him for who he was, I began to treat him how he deserved. Which made him treat me better.

 

 

Am I too young to be in the wrong relationship?

At a family do of my partners, it is casually dropped into conversation that he is going skiing with his family. Later on, the girlfriends of his brother and his dad drop into conversation how their partners are going to take them. SIGN ONE

A little argument over ketchup or the bin, turns into a deep conversation on whether we do not work at all together. SIGN TWO.

My family have a get together or its my sister christening and he is invited to come. Yet he never does, there is always a reason. But he is never willing to meet and mingle with my family. SIGN THREE.

He truly only seems to want to stay together, when I’m closer to breaking up. SIGN FOUR

…

We pretty much live together, we have every meal together, we spent the nights together. So in some ways we are very committed. But then those small things make me think we are wasting our time.

After our last fight, I said that perhaps we need a holiday just us two. Just a weekend. TO figure out if we can work or not. Otherwise I am unsure if it is just the daily stressed that are blowing up in our faces, and he is taking it out on me leading to both of us contemplating our future.

The crazy thing is I would marry the man. Our life plans seems to fit together well but then he cannot commit to having me in his future. Is a girl supposed to wait around and hope he matures and commits. Or am I meant to read the sign and terminate the relationship of my first love. Because I am too young to wait for a 27-year-old man to make up his mind.

Double Dating Disaster

There I was, almost arrogant that we would attend our friends dinner party to find the two of them bickering and  unhappy, which yes they did have mini fights. However my partner and I seemed the most messed up of the four of us.

He and I have been together a year and three quarters. They have been together a few months. The woman is highly strung and high maintenance, a challenge for any male counter-part. Yet I am now beginning to believe, this type of woman gets exactly what she wishes for. She gets to be happier. She speaks up every time the situation is not right. Demanding a resolution. Alternatively, there are women perhaps like me. Low maintenance, able to go out the house without make up on and letting their men go out and do as he pleases (within reason.)

Now we sat at this square dinner table, two couples and every time the male in my friends relationship messed up. My boyfriend jumped in to call her beautiful and to make sure she knew how special she was. So I sat there, once again feeling stupid. I thought the man I was with just did not show affection. He was rather a stone cold man. How wrong was I? It is not him, it is me. He does not deem me worthy of his kind words and affections. Only his insults when he thinks I have done something wrong or we are not working. The sort of comments I get from him are ‘This must be my least favorite quality of yours; I feel like we are drifting, I wont compliment you because I do not want you to have an ego’. Fantastic. I would argue I am a pretty humble woman, I have struggled with self esteem for all of my teenage years. Then one day I decided to try to love myself. It does not work all the time, but I try.

Here I am with a man, who wont touch me in public. When our friends where cuddling on the ground as we played a board game, he would sit on the sofa when I went to join him on the floor and vis versa. I guess the truth is clear. He no longer wants me. I know this deep down. I just do not have the strength to show myself enough respect to walk away.

We attend the same small university, with 100 people in the same year, on one site location. I would see him everyday for the next 8 months. I do not think I have the strength to do that, when my entire being is in love with him.

When will I be strong enough?

When will he care ? Or is it that I am just the wrong person for him?

Separation

Sometimes we have to change ourselves, in order to fix our relationships.

After a serious relationship with one parental death, one wedding, four birthdays, two Christmas’s and two valentines. We have hit a rock in the road, and after so many stones I began to pull away.

Normally I would wait in a place in order to see him. But here I am two days before my parents leave for Fran e organising all my committments to escape England for a week. Just as my partner returns from his Italy trip. The week I return he begins university and I am back home for the week. So that creates a two and a half week separation.

Will this make or break up?

Am I avoiding him?

 

I already miss him