German friend texts

   

I guess we are in a world where technology can now change everything

Flicked the switch…

Midnight in bed, and he is on my mind. He has opened my heart to him again, after it has been cut a few to many times. I am not sure how he did it, he sounded all depressive and wanting a relationship. It was slightly sad, and then he tried to deny his feelings for another girl but in every word was a different meaning.
I was his second choice.

Yet here I am not wanting him. He is on my bracelet only filled with people who matter a great deal. He bought me a pandora charm. It is beautiful. Silver heart, with a gold centre. Suits my entire bracelet and is so beautifully thoughtful. Every time I look down I see him.

I think I need to jump full steam ahead with him, give us a shot because we will never truly move on until we have. Put my heart on the line and hopefully reap the benefits.

I need to talk to you… the dreaded words everyone hates hearing

‘Okay before we go I need to talk to you….’ 

The fatal words I heard from my run buddy before we started, and then a long conversation was held about my German friend who recently moved in with her and was making her life a living problem. If she brought my name up he would become moody, if she wanted to invite me over she was not allowed and she was being kind enough to ‘give him time to move on’ but when my Russian house mate came back and we all wanted to meet up for drinks suddenly the situation was awkward and upsetting for her. 

Unfortunately the situation was left down to me to resolve. He was the one with the problem, he would not be in the same room as me, he could not cope with me rejecting me and it was my fault I caused it and I had to resolve it. Seriously?!

So I sat outside his house for half an hour, waiting for him to come home. I forced him to let me in and I told him straight. 

“I am not here for you, or me. I am here for our combined friend who you have hurt”

‘You’re turning this on me? You’re making this my fault’ he said. 

Could I believe my ears. He thought he had nothing to do with this situation and blamed everything on me? 

Handling pathetic creatures like this before, I knew I would have to stay cool and take all the blame for this to be resolved. I bite my tongue and explained to him I was giving him closure and he needs to move on with his life. If he does not want to be in the same room as me, don’t make our friends choose and allow them to invite all of us. Between he and I privately we can decide who goes and who does not. Or anything along this line. I told him he cannot be ‘in love with me’ as he so claimed because, he did not know me. 

‘I know I do not know you, you led me on because all you want in life is attention. You used me for my attention.’

I could not even believe my ears. At this point I knew a different tactic was needed, I decided for the sake of our friendship group I would tell him everything.

“I am not walking away from our friends. It would be easy to do, but they mean to much. The problem that occurred S**n. Is that after you sad down with my on the beach and asked to be in a relationship, I told you I had no idea and could not even tell if you if I liked you or not at that moment in time’

“Funny you told (combined friend) that you would move on friendship groups”

Okay seriously she has stirred this pot, GREAT. I told her on a run, that I would be happy to not sit by them during lectures remain close to my house mate and her, but allow this German p**ck (no longer German friend to be honest) to do his thing and remove myself from occasions with him. She span my words and they’re being used against me by this boy. I bite my tongue again. 

‘I could not give you what you wanted, because I was dealing with awful situations from this summer. I had a car crash, my grandad is seriously ill, I am undergoing medical tests to try to find out what is wrong and I may have hypothyroidism, I failed my exam, I have had resits, the uni have messed me around, and my dad told me he did not like me as a kid. I have spend the entire summer thinking no one can love me if my dad cant’

“Just because your dad doesn’t love you, doesn’t mean everyone won’t”

I could honestly hear him talking about himself hear. He barely heard what I was saying and did not even notice the tears streaming down my face. 

‘This is not easy for me, I do not open up to people. I do not cry in front of people and again I am not telling you this for you. I am telling you this because you have heard our friend and I won’t allow it’

I began to walk out the room, I had nothing more to say. Then he stopped me and hugged me. I ended up leaving and suddenly was allowed to the evenings drinks. Ill tell you it made my friend over the moon. But I didn’t like being their in the end. I felt awkward and out of place. I no longer liked this guy, I had lost a lot of respect for him over the course of this year and I had to open up to him for him to turn around and say “Oh you should of said it sooner” honestly the amount he repeated that, I do not know how I bite my tongue and agreed. 

A few drinks later and I was seriously not enjoying being their. How unfair is that? I no longer liked being with my friends, slightly because of needing my own space with everything that happened during the summer and now I hated being in company. I left early claiming to need to Skype my friend. In fact I left slightly awkwardly but I had to get out of their. 

What has made you believe in forever?

Starting this blog I had a goal to find my perfect gentleman, the one I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. In a slight way I was more optimistic back then. Having started working for a catering company I have found myself at many weddings, and one thing I love to do to pass the time is to ‘jude’ the bride and groom. Not on their appearance, the dress, their general being, but on their relationship. How they interact and appear to the outside world. Well to me. 

Sad news is, in the dozen or so weddings I have done I have seen one couple which I thought where in love. They looked like they where meant to be, the others well it was either a relationship that seemed more like a business relationship or one partner seemed happier than the other and if you ask me if you have to have 5 or more double vodka red bulls just to get down the isle, then perhaps this isle is not where you should be.

Consequently my view of life has changed. I get lonely when I drink. Sad I know. It is true, and frankly I think I need to be more true to myself. The other night, I came back to my university home and although I was very tired I felt the need to wax. Therefore I took a shot or two of my spirits and got to work. Low and behold I found my head a little fuzzy. Guess where my fuzzy mind took me. Thats right. To German friend. 

Snatching my technological device I typed his name in on Facebook. We still weren’t friends. (he previously deleted me when I rejected him) being suddenly confident I clicked add as friend. 

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Time passed and no acceptance. 

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Thats when I pulled out snapchat, I took a selfie send it over with his name in the writing. 

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He did not reply that evening. 

He did not reply until the next morning. Perhaps that was the best thing that could of been done. Because with the alcoholic mind I had I would of jumped onto him. The next morning would of been a reject. That was not fair to him.

Silly thing is, I know he is not right for me. But I keep trying so hard to like him because he is the good guy. He would treat me right. But I don’t. Something is holding me back. I can’t even explain what it is. 

I vowed to never drink alcohol in front of him until I can sort my mind out. It wouldn’t be fair. Plus its healthier for me. Two birds one stone. I do now realise I do not wish for a boyfriend though. Every couple I know has so many issues and the only thing they really get from one another is guaranteed sex. Well I guess it is not always guaranteed. 

Truthfully I think I was seeking someone, because I get lonely. I wanted someone I could do nothing with. I mean I have plenty of people to do something with. I wanted someone who I could muck about with, without becoming a ‘slut’ as I would do if I did it whilst being single. I wanted to stop searching as I hated the hunt. But now I don’t. 

My eyes aren’t closed don t get me wrong. But I am not hunting. I will not go round to any guys house to watch a movie (because lets be honest everyone knows what that means). I will only consider a guy, if i get treated correctly. I won’t even think about putting out like I previously did. I don’t believe in sex before marriage and that is something I will stand strong too. My parents proved something huge to me…

 

My dad unfortunately cheated on my mum when I was younger. They thought my brother and I did not know, but we thought they’d get a divorce. I watched for six years as they did not share any love, but stayed together for what I think is us (my brother and I). Then one day I think two years ago I saw them kiss for the first time, hold hands for the first time and now they even run together for the first time in what seems my whole life. I have witnessed two religious people keep their wedding vows and find that love that they once felt on their wedding day. Even though it took them 6 years. Even though it was probably painful and hard. It took time for the trust to be rebuilt. But it was. They stuck it out and now I know what marriage means to me. It truly means ’till death do we part’. I will always be grateful for them showing me that time is a healer and you have to wait. 

Shot myself in the foot.

German friend, did something which upset me. Well hurt me. More than I wish it did. I am kind of a little humiliating that it got to me to be honest. Maybe that is what this new technological world is doing to us. 

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I went out to coffee with a great friend of mine, but also the girl that since the start of August lives with German friend. Man that sucks. For me. For them it perhaps is great.

I did something I should not of done; Opened my mouth. I brought him up, and she rightly defended him. I put my back up and she has not really spoken to me since. I guess maybe I am being over dramatic. Worried over nothing. But this girls means a lot to me. She is such a good friend. I need her if I am honest. 

So why did I go and make it awkward? Why did I try to make her choose my side? I did not do it intentionally. In fact I have given myself so many pep talks to not bring him up in front of our combined friends. But I did. Guess I am a dick by default. 

The next day whilst on Facebook I went to check out his page. Low and behold we weren’t even friends. Messaging him, I asked if he deleted me, but he never replied.

He does need his space, to move on from me.

My friend things I led him on. But really I would of dated him, if he had stuck around. Gone on cute little dates and hung out without pressuring me into being in a relationship straight away. 

What he has done, is asked me to be with him. In not so many words. Then when I told him I could not be with him at this moment in time, he cut me completely out of my life. The message that sends to me is ‘Your friendship means nothing to me, I either want to get my PEN 1 5 wet with you, or I do not want to know you at all.’ Frankly I do not want a friend who is like that. 

How can you love someone and not even want to be their friend? 

Believe me, I have been rejected and I stayed friends with the dudes, because at the end of the day I loved their personality too. Not just their looks and wanted to bang them. 

Seriously. I find him pathetic.