Do you ever loose complete control over your face?
Do you ever realise you can be read like a book?
Have you ever felt such happiness you could not help but smile?
Though the story may end with this, the start was not like this.
He had done nothing wrong, I could not pick one moment in which I could say that it was then that changed everything. My mind argued and contradicted itself between adoring my man and wanting him gone. Wanting rid of the very thing that made me happy. He was not making me unhappy. I had Spent Saturday through Tuesday with him at least every night if not in the day too. Never during this time did I want him to not be with me and never when he asked to see me did I not want him to. But then all of a sudden I did not want him.
Lying in bed about to sleep, I realised I could not give up like this. Most likely it was because I cared for him I was pushing him away. Not that he noticed. So I turned to him, being held in his arms. With a plea that it would somehow change everything I plunged my lips on to his. Perhaps the kiss was the same to him but to me I was desperately searching to find emotion I felt was lost.
Kiss after kiss, nothing came. For him it did, for soon he wanted more. Hoping that maybe I would have one of those ‘girly’ moments where after intimacy they fall deeply in love. I went along with his wish for further intimacy.
The deed was done. It was great; I could tell he was feeling strongly for me as he urged closeness during the act. He held me to his chest and kissed throughout. But for me though I may of orgasm-ed. Several times I add. There was nothing. Emotionally.
It took me a while to sleep, he slept quickly. As he always does after the act. But I lay thoughts running through my head, about if I did or did not like him. How could I stop feeling for someone, only nights before I thought I ‘loved’ – was it just lust?
On valentines he told me he loved me, I did not say it back. I was worried afterward that not telling him would affect him. So about a month later lying in bed I asked whether he minded me not saying it back. He claimed he did not. But it is now March 13th and not once has he said it to me since then. We weren’t even official then. It was one month and 7 days after our first date and 3 weeks after our first intimate night. The first time I had intercourse without it being ‘rape’ or post stalker boyfriend in attempts to forget the past. This was pretty much my first time with a person I cared about. The sad thing is I think I only did it as I was scared that I’d lose him and because for 12 days every moment I thought about having it with him and I had exams coming up. I needed to concentrate. So I let him sleep with me only 14 days after our first date. Looking back I feel like a slut.
My boyfriend did such a good job as well whilst I considered breaking up with him. He took me on a double date with our mutual friends to a lovely little sea front restaurant. It was a fresh fish restaurant and being vegan I had one option on the menu. But it was quaint and beautiful and romantic. The evening was lovely. But I felt more connected to the other gentleman. The man I fancied before my boyfriend, the guy I didn’t chase because he was coming out of a long term relationship. My boyfriend being the rebound to someone I liked the guy I honestly didn’t fancy. But my friend told me to go for it.
Driving home he asked if I wanted him to come over, I didn’t but being too polite I answered ‘If you want to come over’ ‘that’s not what I asked, do you want me to?’ ‘you’re welcome to.’ he laughed, and after a little more to and forth with me being indecisive with my answer he came. Again I pleaded for my emotions to come back to me but alas a few orgasms later he was asleep and I was lying with thoughts in my head on if it was even possible to break up with a man whose about to lose his mother and shallowly thinking I should wait till after my birthday and after exams. I mean the sex was a fantastic stress reliever.
Finally we drove home the 121 miles back to our family home for the Easter break, and on the way back he knew something was up as he kept asking how I was. I claimed to be fine, just tired.
That was a blunt lie. I was moving on from him. Fancying our mutual good looking friend.
The first full day we spend together whilst at our family homes, we drove his brother to Heathrow airport and on the way back went to Bicester village. I definitely noticed how his married brother and his wife did not talk the entire journey. Yet my man and I spoke and held hands, and kissed and well-acted like a new couple even after four months of being together. The distance did us some good. Or me some good. I sort of realised in that moment how relationships can have ups and downs and to power through. Well I already knew this. But I was feeling far more comfortable about my relationship with my man.
Shopping he actually tried on skinny jeans, something he said twice he would never wear. Man did he look good in them. His package sort of stuck out and made me totally want to rip those jeans off right there in the Levi changing rooms. But he wasn’t that keen on the jeans. I was. Next he tried on slim fits, the next closest cut to skinnies and he said he did not mind them. Again they looked good, way better than this other jeans. I won’t lie I did not have such a desire to take his clothes off. But I was impressed far more so then his normal pair of jeans. Walking out the shop empty handed, we went on a further mission though the shops. Knowing after 5 weeks with a fractured hip and a stone being added to my body I would totally be depressed to try anything on. I avoided at all costs. Instead I was his personal shopper.
He bought shorts, flip flops, boots and finally went back for those jeans. Secretly I was exceptionally happy. We went home, cooked for his father and ourselves. Then went in the hot tub. Finally all those emotions that I had not felt for over a week where back. In that moment I would say I was in love. But if anybody asked I would surely deny it.
Knowing we would do the deed, I wondered why he was not making a move. I considered that maybe he did not have a good day like I did. Maybe he saw a side to me he didn’t like and he was moving on. The jets shot into my back and I kept floating into the middle of the hot tub. Suddenly he wanted all the outside lights off so he got out the hot tub, took his swim shorts off, dripped his wet body into his home gym and turned off the lighting. It was dark, the stars were bright the sky was clear. Everything felt perfect. I couldn’t not touch him; feel his skin in the water; kiss his lips under the open stars and smile. I could not, not smile. I was happy.
Though I felt ‘him’ under the water and it made me want to rip his shorts off, throw my legs around him and have him deep inside me. I restrained. I wanted him to make the move. I could tell he wanted me. But I fearful that was only lust, and really he did not.
Passionate kiss after passionate kiss, my hands uncontrollably stroking his body and pulling him close to me. He still had made no move. I couldn’t help it, I took his shorts off. I was struggling not to take my own costume off and take the lead. But still I wanted him too. I rubbed my body against his, thrusting into his free floating package. Yet still he made no move on my costume, only caressing my back.
Seriously? Was he not wanting this as much as me?
Ten maybe fifteen minutes of this pointless act of foreplay (if you can call it that) and finally he asked how to take me costume off. Taking the halter over my head I pulled it down. My breasts perked up in the water. I could see him looking, and then he was touching and then sliding my costume off my waist, down my thighs and into the water.
We were bare skin to bare skin, kissing, fondling and for me falling deeper into emotions.
Wow.
That feeling when he went in me was indescribable. The water laping around us, holding onto the edge to the hot tub I was able to thrust and not float away. It was a buzz being outside, under the stars, with music playing and water surrounding us. I never heard him groan so much either.
He turned me over, but came out. Suddenly I was like a virgin again. Unable to allow him inside. Even though that’s what I wanted more than anything. Suddenly we were stood up, me leant forward him behind, and it started again.
The experience was breath taking, and honestly I was left breathless so many times. It was then that I lost complete control over my face? I was letting him read me like a book? I felt such happiness I could not help but smile? Everything about him made me happy.
That night I fell asleep easily, in his arms bare skin to bare skin with a smile of my face and warmth in my heart. I was in love.
Not being sure how long it would last I vowed to remember that day, as it was the best day I have ever had with him and search for this feeling for as long as he would have me. I didn’t want to lose this.
Everything we are comes from what we think 
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