Ever woken up the next day and thought ‘Why?’

Sleeping is the only real time I get peace, peace from my thoughts. Peace from the world. I mean I should not wake up each day waiting to go back to bed, that is not truly living. The truth is I am scared of my waking life. Not in the way you may assume. In the most ridiculous way possible. One may call me stupid, heavens knows I label myself with words of such variety for this. But I cannot escape my fear.

It has taken such a long time, not days, not weeks,  not months but years for me to get here. I am happy. Not the happy where you put a smile on your face and pretend but truly happy. I have close relationships with my family, which believe was not an easy process ot achieve. I was the outcast for such a long time. I have hands down perfect friends. Though their be few, enough to count on one hand but fill my hand they are mine. They have my back and I have theirs. Kind of friendship I imagine and have confidence will stand the test of time. And now there is a boy.

No longer in the dating phase, I do not go out and even look at other men. It is just us. And he treats me well. I am too lucky in some respects. But I am also scared and I know how horrible it is to live life on the bottom, but I am not. I am at the top of a rollercoaster looking down at the beautiful almost waiting for the horrible rush of falling down into it.

I should not live in fear of the fall as I will bring it sooner. Instead I should live at the top. Happy

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